No one ever taught us.

Mariette West Quote Templates

It is assumed that creating a life-long fulfilling relationship, just like being a great parent, is natural.  You fall in love, can’t get enough of each other, things jive between the two of you…it’s easy!

How hard can it be to make this relationship feel blissful long into the future?  And anyway, there are so many books out there to reach to if you really feel stuck.

Many of my clients didn’t have great role models for successful long term relationships (your favourite romantic movie doesn’t count…it usually stops at the beginning!), and may have only had the obligatory pre-wedding sessions with their priest or pastor to go over how they would handle possible challenges that may arise in their marriage. Other than that, many of us are left on our own to figure it all out.

Then, when the challenges start to surface, and they will, reaching out for help is often a last resort.

It is my mission to support you in your marriage sooner than later…though for many couples later is all they’ve got (and…it is very possible to still turn things around).

Here are some things to know as your relationship hits a hard stage:

  • Change can be expected in relationships…growth, however, is optional. Without growth, though, you will often find yourself stuck in a place that no longer feels very good.
  • When change happens, our first instinct is to go into controlling (pleasing, pushing, judging, controlling…) things outside of ourselves (focusing on changing our partner) in an attempt to get things back to the way they were. Or if you are on the other side, you might feel your partner trying to change you back to the way you used to be.
  • As soon as we go into this control dance, we get pulled out of our connection to ourselves (where growth happens) AND a connection to our partner (where love happens). As we disconnect more and more we feel more fear. And before we know it, we are so stuck in the cycle, we don’t see anything except the fear and the need to control the situation.

So what do you do if you do if you can relate to this fear/control/disconnect cycle?

The simple answer (and first step) is to allow yourself to grow.

  • Know that growth is a part of all living things…including ourselves personally and within our relationships. Just like we know trees will grow and change every season. We don’t judge, fear it or try to control it – we accept it. The same awareness and knowing helps in our own growth and change.
  • Know that fear creates more fear and love creates more love.  If you are stuck in fear, find what you can focus on that feels like love – start a gratitude list and spend time focusing on this, even better if you can notice it in your partner.
  • Know that growth always takes us to our next beautiful level in life and love. Fear keeps you stuck and stuck things don’t grow very well. Reach out for help if you need it.

 

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