Hindsight is 20/20, right?
When it comes to doing anything — whether it’s baking a cake or starting a business or even planning a vacation, we all go in hoping for the best.
That doesn’t keep bad things from happening, though.
Oh crap, the cake is dry.
This business idea totally bombed.
This vacation was so NOT what I wanted.
In my 10 years of experience, I’ve discovered it’s REALLY hard to avoid relationship challenges but there are some things I wish women knew.
Sometimes you can know it all but still not know enough. When it comes to marriages, you’ve most likely heard all the facts. You’ve talked to other happy couples. You might even have had counselling. After working with many women on their relationship, there are still some things people don’t realize they don’t know but should know.
With today’s post, I want to save you some of the heartache and headache when it comes to creating long-term loving relationships by sharing some things you should know:
- It’s normal for the initial in-love feelings to end – yup! Controversial I know! As the love goggles (the bodies own feel-good drugs) wear off, you start to see each other in a whole different way. What you once loved about them, now feels downright annoying. The thing is… this is a necessary step to creating long-term deeply connected relationships.
- Settling, Getting stuck in Conflict or Looking Away/Elsewhere are not your only options – if you just can’t get the loving feeling back, we tend to think perhaps we chose the wrong partner, they (or you) are doing something wrong, or you focus your attention somewhere else all together (work, kids, exercise, other partners…). But what if this new challenge is meant to create the growth you need for your next stage in the relationship journey? The other option is choosing inner growth, because here is the thing…there is a part of you that demands the inner growth and whether you work on it in this relationship or on another….it won’t go away. The other three options will only work for so long.
- Growing individually and as a couple is the road to a long-term deeply connected relationship – throughout our lives and our relationships the one thing you can count on is change. By being dynamic (constantly changing) vs. static (staying the same), you open yourself to growth in you, your partner and in your relationship. This is necessary for long-term connection. You can count on change, but growth can be avoided (but at a huge cost). Many of us unfortunately though, don’t even realize growth is an option and that we are avoiding it.
The bottom line: relationships are a journey of growth and change. Embracing and allowing rather than going into fear and control is a conscious choice that will get you to the result you want.
Here are three things you can do to embrace growth and change in your relationship:
- Understand the relationship journey – get my map here. When we know what to expect and that it is not only normal but an important stage, we can go from reacting from fear to responding with love.
- Compassion and Gratitude. Be a compassionate observer of yourself and of your partner – notice what sets you off in your relationship, acknowledge what you do when these triggers happen (what you make it mean, how it feels when you believe it, what you do from that emotion and the result that happens). Heap on the compassion and gratitude to yourself and your partner for attempting to avoid the worst-case scenario in the best way you know how. Tell yourself you are flicking the light onto your fears and are willing to see if there is another story that is just as true but feels calmer, kinder or more peaceful.
- Reach out for help – when we are in the midst of a fear response, it can be hard to see past it. Talk to someone you trust (or reach out to a coach, like me) asking them to help you see another way of looking at the situation. These tips will get you started, but if you want to dive deeper, send me a message and we can book in a time to chat more about how I can support you.
Here’s how it will help you:
- Find out where you are in this relationship journey
- The steps you can take to support you right where you are
- Help in seeing your roadblocks and how to get past them
- Support to keep you moving towards the deeply connected relationship you desire even if your partner is not there yet.
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